1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:03,280 Well, hello you. 2 00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:04,720 3 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:09,720 If you're watching with other family members, ignore them. It's me and you. Saucy! 4 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:13,000 So, previously in my life, 5 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:17,360 I met Tilly's fiance Rupert Farley-Pointless or something. 6 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:22,880 - And this is Rupert. - Oh, please, call me the Bear. 7 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:24,800 HE GROWLS 8 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:25,880 Ooh! 9 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:28,160 SHE MOUTHS 10 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:32,080 He's on army leave so their wedding plans are a go-go 11 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:35,240 which means Mum is even more desperate to find me a man 12 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,280 and has taken to literally trawling the countryside. 13 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:42,480 Hello, young man, do get in. 14 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,960 - Where are you off to? - I'm going to see my girlfriend... 15 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:52,640 What else? Oh, yes, Stevie took our karaoke night to a new level. 16 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,240 17 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:58,360 18 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,480 - Stevie! I didn't know that was going to happen. - Carry on! 19 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,880 But I haven't got the little skirt! 20 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,560 21 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,680 Let's speak no more of, and crack on with the show. 22 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,000 Ooh, new breakfast menu. 23 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,880 I think I'll have the antioxidant mixed berry compote. 24 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,400 Yes, me too... 25 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:35,400 and bacon, egg, sausage, beans, French toast, hash browns... 26 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,240 muffin, tea and two sugars. 27 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,800 Lovely. I love that you're now doing breakfast. 28 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:44,800 - I prefer to call it "brunch". - I couldn't be more sorry. 29 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:48,640 But, I mean, combining two meals, really, it's insanity personified. 30 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,960 - What next, linner? - Or lupper. 31 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:55,240 - Funnier, lupper. - Do you think they know they're in love? 32 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,760 No. 33 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,720 - Is it time? - It's time. 34 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:00,520 THEY LAUGH 35 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,080 MOCKING LAUGHTER 36 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:08,720 - Right, listen up. - We're staging an intervention. - And sending you on a date. 37 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,640 - BOTH: What?! - Tonight. As they say, 38 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:16,480 "Strike while the iron's hot". And, as I say, "Iron while the iron's hot" too. 39 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,080 I have vouchers for a romantic restaurant. 40 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,560 Just go and work out if something's going to happen. 41 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,080 - We're just friends. - Right. 42 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:24,720 Sorry, guys. Nice try. 43 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,160 What are you doing?! 44 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,320 It's been going great with him, just mates. 45 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,200 Denial. You're not that good an actress. 46 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,280 I think you'll find I'm an excellent actress. 47 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,840 SHE MOUTHS 48 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:40,040 - You're besotted. - Shh. - She is totally in love... 49 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,120 Did I mention the restaurant was Wilson's? 50 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,440 Wilson's? Clive, you know I'm desperate to try the food there. 51 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,360 We could give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen? 52 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:59,280 Humiliation, embarrassment, fire, explosions, collisions, tears, nudity and death. 53 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,640 But that was just bad luck involving a rogue creme brulee torch. 54 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,880 It's VERY unlikely to happen twice. 55 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,960 - Let's go for it. - OK, you're on. 56 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,720 I'll go give them a call. 57 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,240 I knew you wouldn't be able to resist. 58 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:16,080 When Gary walks in in chef's gear, you practically fall off the stool. 59 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,720 Oh, I do not. 60 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,640 I'll book a table for eight, is that OK? 61 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:22,960 Yeah, although I thought it would just be the two of us. 62 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,360 SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 63 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:32,480 So tomorrow night, Miranda and Stevie's okey-dokey no space for blokeys karaoke. 64 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,240 Still happy to have it at yours? 65 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,160 - Of course. Now, have you chosen your song? - The theme... 66 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,280 - Songs to reflect your personality. My theme. - Good theme. 67 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,120 - Thank you, caller. - Pleasure, sir. 68 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:48,360 But tricky theme for me because there are so many key aspects of my personality. 69 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:53,280 So I think I'll just sum them all up and do Simply The Best. I love Tina. 70 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:57,400 - Next week I might do Nutbush City Limits. - SHE LAUGHS 71 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,160 There is nothing funny about Nutbush. 72 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,200 That's where you're wrong, my shrunken elf of a friend. 73 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,920 Excuse me, Nutbush. 74 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:06,520 HE LAUGHS 75 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:07,840 You see? 76 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,040 - What's your song? - Easy... 77 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,760 78 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,720 But from a distance, I can pass as one. 79 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:19,200 Get out! I think you'll find I am all woman. 80 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,800 Monday to Sunday - inclusive. 81 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,560 Oi! And weekends are doubly good. 82 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:26,080 That's not in the song, that's a little bit of information about me. 83 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,440 What are you doing throwing out men? 84 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:33,680 Beggars can't be choosers. 85 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,600 Actually you could consider a beggar. 86 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,520 Obviously there's the smell, but THEY'LL get used to it. 87 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,760 Such fun! 88 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,960 Sorry, darling. I don't want to be one of those HELLISH mothers... 89 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,360 ..but if you don't find a date for Tilly's wedding, consider emigration. 90 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:54,160 Belinda is being a nightmare mother of the bride. So smug. 91 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,680 I thought Belinda was your best friend. 92 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,800 She is, but I dislike her intensely. 93 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,320 - Is it too early for a drink? - It's 10.30. 94 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,120 12.00, did you say? 95 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:07,760 - Hello, whisky. And I'm playing, what I call, tennis... - It is tennis, 96 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,760 I don't know what else you'd call it. 97 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:15,080 ..with Belinda tomorrow and she's bound to give me some ghastly wedding task to make me feel better. 98 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,400 Hi-de-ho, peeps. 99 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,040 Fake smiles, fake smiles. 100 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,640 Tilly, Rupert. 101 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:24,320 Oh, please, call me the Bear. 102 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:32,760 - I do love that. - Queen Kong. You know two months today, Poopert and I shall become uno. 103 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:36,960 - Right, well, I'm dashing. - Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny. 104 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,080 Mummy and I have sensed un petit peu de jealous-bags, 105 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:43,240 but we would love you to do the flowers for the wedding. 106 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:44,440 Bouquet-dokey? 107 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,120 Isn't that lovely? 108 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:49,080 Skinny thank you-cino to your ma, eh? 109 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,120 He stands too close. 110 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,920 Muchisimus gracias, Pen-Pen. 111 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,920 - You would not believe the wedmin. - Wedmin? 112 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,280 Wedding administration. Keep up. You're actually really lucky 113 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,880 you're probably never going to have to organise a wedding for Miranda. 114 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,640 SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 115 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:13,320 Well, this has all been delightful. 116 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,480 SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 117 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,040 So Queen KONGO-leeza Rice... 118 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,680 That's very... Did you see what she...? 119 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,040 Merci, merci, c'est fini! 120 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,560 Wedmin-planning lunch-eonie on tomorrow at one. 121 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,560 Ah, fabulosomos omisamos. 122 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,800 We'll have some serious fun bags. 123 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,440 It's not the best breath. 124 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:41,760 Poopert, Poopert, it's not fun bags, it's wedmin focus, OK? 125 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,840 I'll see you tomozza-pam. 126 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,800 Bye, girls. Up and at 'em. 127 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,480 Up and at 'em... Bang, bang. Do you see? They're guns? 128 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,640 I was shooting you. 129 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,120 Please, tell me you noticed it then. Rupert was coming on to me. 130 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:58,000 He wasn't. He's just tactile. 131 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:04,400 And if he was coming on to anyone he would be coming on to me, because I have the allure. 132 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,160 I have allure. 133 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,880 You're not allure-abundant. 134 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,680 Well, maybe my allure began abounding. 135 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:17,880 No, because my high level of the allure means I'd be attuned to any shifts in the allurosphere. 136 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:21,000 - The allurosphere? - Not my word - science's. 137 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,160 Now, if you want the allure for your hot date tonight, I'd get ready. 138 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,680 - It's 10.30. - It could take that long. 139 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:34,080 Rude! I am feeling shifts in the allurosphere already. Oh, yes. 140 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,920 SHE LAUGHS FORCEDLY 141 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:41,160 You look lovely, by the way. 142 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,280 Oh, thank you. You too. 143 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,520 Velour menus. 144 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:51,040 You know somewhere's smart when the menu is wearing a smoking jacket. 145 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,320 Yeah. 146 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,720 BOTH: So do you... 147 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,440 - Oh, sorry. - Oh, sorry. You go. 148 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,560 No, you first. 149 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,960 Oh, my gosh, look at us. This is ridiculous. 150 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,080 Put us in a romantic setting and we can barely speak to each other. 151 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,720 I know. 152 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,880 - I know what we should do. - OK, let's just go. 153 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,960 We should sleep together. 154 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,520 - Sorry? - We should sleep together. 155 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,520 Shall I explain? 156 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,200 Yes, please, thank you, please, thank you so to you. 157 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,760 Well, I think maybe Stevie and Clive are right. 158 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,960 There could be an "us", that we've never... 159 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:37,840 - Do you? - Yes. I've always thought... 160 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,280 - Something... - Yes. - And you know what they say, 161 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,960 if you have a friend you've fancied in the past, but never kissed, 162 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,640 after a while you're too good friends, it's kind of awkward 163 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,320 and embarrassing. That's us. 164 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,720 We need to break that awkwardness. 165 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,440 Anyway, that's my theory. 166 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,360 It is an EXCELLENT theory. 167 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,080 He could have given me any theory, to be honest. 168 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:04,320 I should say obviously, I don't usually leap in to bed... 169 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:08,480 Me too. I mean, I've had some fun in the past. As I'm sure you have... 170 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:13,760 Loads. Well, some, I mean, the odd spot of... 171 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:17,360 Predominantly other kinds of fun, to be honest. 172 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,880 'There's no easy way to tell you this. 173 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,720 'Kelly's pregnant and it's mine.' 174 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,680 SHE PLAYS EASTENDERS CLOSING THEME 175 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,200 Get in! 176 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,120 Let's not dwell. 177 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,320 Sure. If this is our moment, 178 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,840 I don't want to regret not doing anything about it. 179 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,960 - Really? - Really. 180 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,640 Well, me neither. 181 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,040 Gary, are we finally... 182 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,720 I know. 183 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,320 How long has it taken us? 184 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,720 Oh, my God, there's woman on fire! 185 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,040 I think it was a flambe. 186 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,360 I'm so sorry, I thought you were on fire. 187 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,440 - Shall we leave? - Yes, can we? Quick. 188 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,560 Sorry. 189 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:16,400 Well, it wasn't Wilson's, but, you know what, sometimes you can't go wrong with a burger. 190 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,760 You can NEVER go wrong with a burger. 191 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,840 I mean, those are the best burgers... apart from yours. 192 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:24,720 - Good save. - Thank you. 193 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,800 - So... - So... 194 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,240 - Shall we put some music on? - Good idea. 195 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,240 I'll do a shuffle. 196 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,720 Shuffle to the shuffle. 197 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,880 Bit nervous. 198 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,520 FLAMENCO MUSIC STARTS 199 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,000 Ooh. 200 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,480 MUSIC: "My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas 201 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,440 Of all songs... 202 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,200 - Hello. - Hi. 203 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,480 I might just turn the lighting down...better lighting. 204 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,000 Sure, sure. 205 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:19,120 - Is that OK? - It's a BIT dark. 206 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,040 Shame. 207 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,240 OK. 208 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,640 Sorry. 209 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,120 Sorry. 210 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,080 HE BURPS 211 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,640 Gary, did you just burp? 212 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,040 Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. 213 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:41,040 Oh, I've got indigestion. 214 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:44,800 Don't worry. I've got some Gaviscon if you want. 215 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,520 HE BURPS 216 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,800 Gary! Do you want some Wind-eze as well? 217 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,600 I swear by Wind-eze. 218 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,080 If in doubt, pop a Wind-eze. 219 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:58,280 - It's fun to say as well, Wind-eze. Wind-eze! - Can you stop saying Wind-eze? 220 00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,800 Sorry. 221 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,240 I think I've got aniseedy breath now. 222 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,280 No, you're fine. 223 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:14,880 Sorry, just thought of the word Wind-eze. Sorry. 224 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,840 - I can taste aniseed. - I can smell it now. 225 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:27,440 - OK, OK, this is now a little bit over-planned. - A bit sort of clinical. 226 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:32,040 - Can we do this again when I'm a little bit less... - Burpy. 227 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:35,480 Yes. I think it might be a bit more romantic when we're spontaneous. 228 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,880 Sure. Yes. 229 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,520 - Night. - Night. 230 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,040 - Sorry. - No, no. It's fine. 231 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,200 - Night. - Night. 232 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,640 233 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,720 234 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:05,440 Although not gay, because I'm going to get it on with Gary, who's a man. 235 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,640 236 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,760 Ooh, it's a mash up. 237 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,280 I'm so excited. I don't know what to do. 238 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,720 Oh, hi. So, tell all, tell all. What happened? 239 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,480 Nothing. Just a nice meal with a friend. That's all. 240 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,320 That's SO disappointing. 241 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,000 You SEEM different. 242 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,040 Do I?! 243 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,240 I won't tell her. 244 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,280 Are you sure nothing happened? 245 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,680 My lips are sealed, my face is a mask. 246 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:44,240 Nothing happened at the restaurant, but then we went back to my flat to have sex. Well... 247 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,160 We didn't last night, but we're going to. 248 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,080 BOTH: Oh-h-h! 249 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,960 And are you OK with this? 250 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,800 Yeah. I'm feeling...sexual. And spontaneous. 251 00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:02,080 - Oh, you. Spontaneous! - I know. Look at me. - Oh, you've gone a little bit camp. 252 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:07,080 Oh, yes. Thank you. Now, we're not telling anyone so mum's the word. 253 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,880 Cooee! 254 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,280 BOTH: Mum's the word, funny. 255 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:15,000 I have just whipped Belinda's big fat arse off the tennis court. 256 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,960 Whoompf! So satisfying. 257 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,280 Now, darling, your plus one for the wedding, I saw Benjy at the club. 258 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,440 - He is still available. - And still my cousin. 259 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,240 And still, what I call, mental. 260 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:30,240 I'm the most beautiful squirrel of them all! 261 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:38,520 - I'm not dating Benjy so Belinda gets off your back. - Well, she is insufferable. 262 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:44,120 And now I've got to go and look at flower samples. Such fun(!) 263 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,080 Right, I'm off to the restaurant. 264 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:49,080 - Aah. - Febreze me up. - Yes, certainly. 265 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,600 See you later. 266 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,240 - Camp! - Thank you. 267 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:01,800 Hi. 268 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,920 - Hi, you OK? - Yeah. 269 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:08,200 Good, because I was going to take this afternoon off if you still want to be...spontaneous. 270 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,960 - I do. - Great. 271 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,760 Ooh, no, Tilly wedding lunch. Wish me luck. 272 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,720 OK, well, I'll see you after, OK? 273 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,760 - Hola. - Buon giorno. 274 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:25,920 So Queen Kong, I've been a little bit naughty and I've done some matchmaking behind your back. 275 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:30,040 So tell me, who would you best like to sit next to at our wedding? 276 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:35,480 - Well, as long it's not... - Dreamboat Charlie. - Dreamboat Charlie! 277 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:39,400 Although now it's Ping Pong Charlie. 278 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:45,240 Funny story. Bangkok, a pole dancer, a ping pong ball, I had one too many sherbets... 279 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,000 OK, I'm fine not to know this. 280 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:50,680 - I have only two words for you. - Could be two words too many. 281 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:52,200 Live rutting. 282 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:57,240 - Charmed to see you again. What? - What? - What? 283 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:02,840 Still tall. I like that in a woman - consistency. 284 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,920 Right, wedmin. Asseyez-vous, tout le monde, asseyez-vous. Sit down. 285 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,160 Muchos to discussionae. 286 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,520 Ooh, yes, please. Crisps. 287 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,840 I bloody love crisps. 288 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,880 Shall I give you one, Miranda? 289 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,440 I'm fine thank you, no, I'm... 290 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,600 MOBILE RINGS 291 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:27,680 Oh, bear with. It's Stinky about the pony. Hello, Stinky... 292 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:31,040 Excuse me for one minutos. 293 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,640 Clive, help me... No, just kill me, kill me now. 294 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,000 So...you all right? 295 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,720 Charlie not too in your face, is he? 296 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,360 I can totally see why he's into you. 297 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,720 - Rupert, I'm getting the feeling that... - Kongers... 298 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:47,680 You OK? 299 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:51,440 Yes, this is my excited wedmin face. 300 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,640 Looked like you were having a mo-mo avec mon fiance. 301 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,960 Well, he is Cheddar Gorge. 302 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,760 He is King Gorge VI. 303 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:09,080 - Come hither. - Not in public. 304 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:10,760 OK, come on. Next up, mail out. 305 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:14,400 Kongers, I need you to go to the printers this afternoon to pick up the invites 306 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,760 - and do the mail out tonight from your house. - MOBILE BEEPS 307 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,680 Now what?! Bear with... 308 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,200 Bear with... 309 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,080 Bear with... 310 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,320 NO! 311 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,720 Mummy says Daddy says we can't have the ice sculpture of the Taj Mahal. 312 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,840 - I better go talk to mater. Come on, Rupert, quick. - I'm going to the little boys' room. 313 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,880 Never has that saying been more apt. 314 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:44,160 So...till tonight. 315 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,600 - TILLY: - Rupert! 316 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:51,640 Did you see that?! I told you he was totally coming on to me. 317 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,320 This is awful. Should I tell Tilly? 318 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,720 You can't break them up without serious proof. 319 00:17:55,720 --> 00:18:00,840 Yes. Set a honey trap. Get him alone and if he makes a pass at you then maybe you just have to tell her. 320 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:05,160 Oh, gosh, the pitfalls of being abundant au allure. 321 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,920 I can't believe he bypassed MY allure. 322 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,920 Well, deal with it, girlfriend. Oh, yeah. 323 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:16,080 AUDIENCE APPLAUD 324 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:21,200 Right, now, I've got to go to the printers to pick up the invites. 325 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:25,360 Do you mind... Actually, don't worry. Gary, will you give me a hand? 326 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:29,080 No probs. Let's do it. Shall we go through the park? 327 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:31,560 I'm being attacked by bog roll. 328 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,160 Help, somebody. 329 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:39,120 - Big fat soz. - It's fine. Oh, it's on me now. 330 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,120 I hate this. 331 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,240 Can I kiss you? 332 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,400 Ooh! 333 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,080 What? 334 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,960 So...we can manage at the print shop. 335 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,800 Then we might do something spontaneous. 336 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,320 Great idea. What shall we do? 337 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,280 - Where's Stevie? - Had to go. 338 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:11,920 So nice to be out of the kitchen. 339 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,160 - Shall we sit down for a bit? - Sure. 340 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,440 So this would be spontaneous. We could... 341 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,480 What al dente? 342 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,920 No, that's pasta. 343 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,920 Al fresco. 344 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,640 Yeah, al fresco. 345 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:31,840 Come on. 346 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,040 BUZZING 347 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,200 Oh, sorry. 348 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,400 - You all right? - Yeah. No, actually there's a bee in my hair. Gary, there's a bee in my hair! 349 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:46,760 Get it off. 350 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,280 - Where is it? - You'll make it angry. 351 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,560 Worked out rather well. 352 00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:02,040 Oh, now, Tilly, this is the colour I was talking about. 353 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:08,000 I might just ring Miranda and check there's not a clash with the invitational ribbon. 354 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,160 MOBILE RINGS 355 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,280 BOTH: Hello. 356 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:25,520 - What are you doing? - We're just looking for... 357 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,000 Animals. 358 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:31,760 Yup, we're just looking for some animals. 359 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:38,280 Because apparently some animals have escaped from the local circus. 360 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:41,840 - What animals? - Tigers. - Dragons. 361 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,560 Apparently there's some tigers crouching in the shrubbery. 362 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:52,880 And the dragons tend to be hidden. 363 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,600 So you're looking for a crouching tiger 364 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,680 and a hidden dragon. 365 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,440 - Good, so that's explained that then. - Yeah. 366 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:03,440 So you haven't been to the printers yet?! 367 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:10,680 Oh, my actual and literal golly goodness. Do you want to ruin my nuptials? Allez-vous en! Go! 368 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:11,800 Penelope, come. 369 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,520 - I knew we shouldn't have done spontaneous. - I know, listen... 370 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:22,240 I'll go to the print shop, you go back to your flat and we'll be spontaneous around, say, 5pm. 371 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,200 - Precisely 5pm. - Thank you. 372 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,760 See you later. 373 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:36,080 OK, right. Time for a quick bath because, I won't lie, 374 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,600 but I perspired a little during the bee debacle. 375 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,720 I've gone camp with excitement. 376 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:45,720 377 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:50,480 I love a bath, don't you? I'm just gearing up 378 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:54,040 to causing the searing pain of wax removal. 379 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,320 Right... 380 00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:00,120 Oh, no, I'm stuck. 381 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,680 I've left the wax on too long. It's stuck to the bath. 382 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,320 383 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,080 That's not funny, Freddie! 384 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,880 Stevie! Stevie! 385 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,400 - Miranda? What is it? - The wax stuck my leg to the bath. 386 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,760 SHE LAUGHS 387 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:18,040 It is not funny. Pull me off, as it very much were. 388 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:19,320 - GARY: - Hello? 389 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,360 Oh, no. He's early. 390 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:25,040 - We're in the bathroom! - Don't say you're in here. - Everything OK? 391 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,360 She's had a bit of an accident! 392 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:28,520 That sounds wrong. 393 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:31,160 I think it's loosening a bit! 394 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,160 Everything you say makes this sound terrible! 395 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,680 I'm going to leave Tilly's invitations on the table. 396 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,840 Ooh! 397 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,920 - Get out! Get out! - Ooh, I felt a breast. 398 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,520 THEY SCREAM 399 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,200 Hello. 400 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,240 Listen, this isn't working. 401 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:55,160 It's too much pressure and things keep going wrong. I wish you hadn't suggested it. 402 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,040 I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to put pressure on you. 403 00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:00,000 No, you didn't. 404 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,920 Can we just leave it? 405 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:05,800 Miranda, your bath water is really dirty. 406 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,680 OK, I'm sorry, but... 407 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:14,160 I bet I missed my moment for good with Gary and now and I've got to stuff 400 envelopes. 408 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,200 LAUGHTER AND CHATTING 409 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,880 - They're here. Oh, the trap! - OK, so get him alone. 410 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:23,800 And if he really tries it on, make sure Tilly catches him in a compromising position. 411 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,560 - How? - He may not, but... 412 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,040 - Well, with my allure... - Get a grip. 413 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,320 - Tell me how. - Just let me think. 414 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,200 - How? - Just let me think. - How? 415 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,840 - Just let me think. - How? - Just let me think. - How? 416 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,560 BOTH: How! 417 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,800 Goody gum drops! The invites. 418 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,480 I'm starving, shall we get a pizza? 419 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,160 Tremendulent idea. I'll have pepperoni with extra chilli-chilli bang-bang. 420 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:49,120 Why don't WE go and Miranda and Rupert stay here? 421 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:50,640 - Come on, Tilly. - No. 422 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,680 We'll be exactly ten minutes, Miranda. 423 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,360 Alone at last. 424 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,680 OK, so shall we watch some telly? 425 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,240 No. There's something else I'd much rather do. 426 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,320 Ooh! Would you like to, um... 427 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:11,040 play cards...or...charades 428 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:14,320 or make some...placards. 429 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,040 You've been driving me crazy. 430 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:24,200 Sometimes a man needs a meat feast rather than a lean chicken salad, if you catch my drift. 431 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,280 OK, um, what about in nine and a half minutes? 432 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:31,160 Don't begrudge a man a final surge over the enemy lines. 433 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,280 Help. 434 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:36,160 I've got to put him off till they get back. 435 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,680 Boggle! 436 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:42,600 Let's play Boggle. Boggle always gets me in the mood. 437 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,720 It's a good word, Boggle, isn't it? 438 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,520 Wind-eze! 439 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:50,120 No, Miranda, I'd much rather... 440 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,160 Forget the Boggle! 441 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,120 OK, let me just freshen up then, OK? 442 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:55,640 Bear with... Bear with... 443 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:00,520 SHE SCREAMS 444 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,520 OK, stay there. I'll just be one minute. 445 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,880 This is awful. Poor Tilly. 446 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,880 Where are they? They only left... 447 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:11,240 Evening, top totty. 448 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:18,840 Lt Charles Wynford Vyvyan St Wedges reporting for bedroom duty, what? 449 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:22,160 - What?! - What? Is it too much? 450 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,280 A bucketful of soz. 451 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:28,640 Your mum told me where you lived and lent me the ladder. 452 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:32,040 Now, if I remember rightly, that is your bedroom... 453 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,680 for la pumpy de rumpy. 454 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,560 No, not there, why don't you wait in the bathroom? 455 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,880 Okey-dokey. And then some pokey. 456 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:43,920 Ugh, what is going on?! 457 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,840 Ta-da! 458 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,320 I'll be one minute. 459 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,640 Oh, my goodness. Right. 460 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:53,840 Gather. Tell Charlie to go. 461 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,280 SHE SCREAMS 462 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,720 Oh, my goodness. OK. 463 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,960 This is turning into a French farce. 464 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:08,120 Eight and a half minutes, it's only been... 465 00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,080 Surprise. I know you said 466 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:12,800 we should chill, but I've been getting more 467 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,280 and more desperate to kiss you, 468 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:17,640 so this is a no-pressure surprise visit, I'll go with whatever you want. 469 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:18,880 That's so sweet. 470 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,440 Are you wearing a dressing gown? 471 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,240 Surprised myself too. I walked here like this. 472 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,400 Sexy?! 473 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:28,560 Gary, look, I can't do this now, not because I don't want to... 474 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,640 Oh, well... 475 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:33,720 - STEVIE: - You don't need to come in, Penny. I can pass the message on. 476 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,520 PENNY: Well, I'm here now. 477 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:39,080 - I'll go in the bedroom. - No. - That's ten minutes, Miranda! - Bathroom. 478 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,440 - No, not in the bathroom. Fridge? - I can't fit in there. 479 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:47,040 BOTH: How! 480 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:50,320 Mirandy... Hello. 481 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:54,680 I must have you. Ooh! 482 00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,040 Go, Miranda! 483 00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,560 Scramble! 484 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:03,120 Waitress in Greece, army nurse in Kent, 485 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:07,360 chef on the Isle of Wight ferry, and now Queen Farticus?! 486 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:08,880 Oh, yeah! 487 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:10,840 BOTH: Get out! 488 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,720 Listen, I can explain, but I'd better talk to Tilly. 489 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,720 Yeah, sure, no worries. 490 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,280 And don't worry about us. 491 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,080 If it's meant to happen, it'll happen. 492 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:23,680 It better! 493 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:29,560 Don't worry, Tilly, it's fun being single. 494 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:35,600 Tonight is Miranda and Stevie's okey-dokey no place for blokeys karaoke. 495 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:38,360 SHE WAILS 496 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,400 Well, that's quite rude. 497 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:50,680 498 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:54,720 499 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:59,240 500 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:02,920 501 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:07,880 502 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,120 503 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:15,320 504 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:19,360 505 00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:26,040 506 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:29,680 507 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:33,960 508 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:39,400 509 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:43,320 510 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:53,040 511 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,440 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 512 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:01,480 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net